Armin Zaphiratous

Playwright or Wrong?

Armin has the answers about writing plays, college degrees and getting back on the horse.

published Friday, May 6, 2011

Dear Armin,

I've been out of action for a while. What are the steps I should take to get myself back in "the game"? Thanks!



Dearest Angela,

This is an odd place for this question but here goes. You're going to need a willingness to wear thongs as outerwear, tube tops, halter tops, fishnet hose, a long blond wig, some fake nails, a place to buy prophylactics in bulk, a knife, and a Goldilocks pimp. You know, a pimp who's not too rough, not too soft, but just right. Oh, and butt-less pants. — YOURS, ARMIN


Dear Armin,

Can anyone write a play?

Thanks, B.


Dear B.,

Well, most people who try to write plays get eight pages in and lose confidence and interest, so I'm tempted to say no. However, I know a guy in Armenia who used to be a railroad worker until he had a small accident that left him living with a spike permanently in his head. He can't wear hats now or control his emotions or keep his saliva in his mouth, but he's written five plays and they're not bad. So, I think anyone can write a play if they have a story to tell as well as the time and gumption to tell it. Even if your nickname is Vlad the Impaled. That's his nickname. — YOURS, ARMIN


Dear Armin,

I'm in college and going for a BFA in acting. One of my professors is trying to discourage me by saying I'm not cut out for a career in theater. What should I do?



Dear Michael,

When I was teaching I had a student we called Ol' Pencil Legs because she had thin legs and wobbled around on stubby eraser-like feet. Really, it was her feet that were the main issue so I suppose we should have called her Ol' Eraser Feet. Well, hindsight is 50/50. Anyhoo, I told her to make theater a hobby and change her major. She did and she's now one of the leading female phlebotomy trainers in Nebraska. I'm not accusing you of having pink, stubby, rubbery, perfectly round feet. I don't know, maybe you have baby arms like Cee-Lo, or a potato head, also like Cee-Lo. All I'm saying is that if you stand back and consider for a moment that this professor may have your best interests in mind, you may find that he has your best interests in mind.  — YOURS, ARMIN


Ask Armin something, via Go on and ask. When he doesn't have enough queries to ponder, he bothers the hell out of the TheaterJones editor. Also, TJ doesn't stand by or even agree with all of Armin's advice. So don't hold us responsible if things go terribly wrong.

Also, Armin is now on Facebook. Friend him. And, again, don't blame us. Thanks For Reading

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Playwright or Wrong?
Armin has the answers about writing plays, college degrees and getting back on the horse.
by Armin Zaphiratous

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