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Armin Zaphiratous

Soap Gets In Your Eyes

Armin is back, and has the answers about soap operas and what to wear at auditions.



published Friday, April 15, 2011
2 comments


Dear Armin,

Is it OK to wear glasses to an audition to change my type even though I don't need glasses? I just feel dishonest wearing non-prescription glasses, but I like the way they look.

Thanks, Bill


Dear Bespectacled Bill,

I think it's perfectly acceptable to wear prosthetic genitalia on your forehead if it'll help you get the part. So, yeah, I think glasses are OK. — YOURS, ARMIN

 

Armin,

What do you think about soap operas? I love them but all of my theater friends make fun of me.

Thank You, Jennifer

Dear Jennifer,

Ooh, girl! Now that I'm semi-retired and my estrogen level is peaking in my old age, I love my programs! General Hospital...OMG! Love it! Next time your pretentious friends start in on you, just tell them about the timeless GH story of Emily and Nikolas, two star-crossed lovers that make Romeo and Juliet look...well, less star-crossed. It starts with Emily and Nikolas as a perfect, storybook love. Unfortunately, Nikolas was in a terrible car wreck and consequently gets the greatest medical plot device ever, amnesia! Amnesia is just a little better than a coma. So, Nikolas stumbles around the woods like a shell-shocked mongoloid and comes upon the cabin of Mary Bishop. Poor, lonely, homely Mary is grieving for her husband that she's just lost in the war in Iraq. Well, as fate would have it, Nikolas happens to be a dead ringer for her husband. She takes Nikolas in and convinces him that he's her husband, Connor Bishop. She keeps him there with the story that he went AWOL from the military and needs to hide in her cabin, preferably shirtless. Meanwhile, Emily somehow, I don't know how, concludes that Nikolas must have died in the crash and his body was swept away in the river or eaten by animals or something. Eventually Nikolas gets his memory back and dumps the crap out of Mary and gets back with Emily. But poor, lonely, homely Mary is also freaking nuts and starts to stalk Emily. Nikolas shoots Mary, but she lives from her gunshot wound only to die in the hospital from a mysterious drug overdose. I still don't know who did that. That is when things start to get complicated. This is when Nikolas goes on trial for shoving his grandmother off a cliff! Why did he shove his grandmother off of a cliff? Because she’s simply a crazy bitch. He's found guilty of pushing his grandmother off the cliff, because he did, so Emily loses her Nikolas again! They get married just before he goes to prison. It was a very touching, handcuffed ceremony. While he's in jail the real Connor Bishop, of course, played by the same actor as Nikolas but with the fakest sideburns you’ve ever seen comes back from the war and wants revenge for his dead wife! Emily and her friends convince Connor to pose as Nikolas to force Nik's grandmother out of hiding to get Nikolas out of jail. Oh, the grandmother didn't die from the cliff fall, but the cops don't believe it. How did she survive the fall? She’s magic. Literally. But that’s another story. So, Connor agrees to help but all the while is slowly becoming crazily fixated with Emily. He wants her body. So, of course, he rapes her and, of course, she shoots him for raping her. Now Emily can't even visit her Nikolas in jail because he looks just like the man who raped her! Will Emily and Nikolas ever get back together and roll around under silk sheets? Whew! Anyway, soaps are better than Shakespeare. — YOURS, ARMIN

 

Ask Armin something at AskArmin@TheaterJones.com. Go on and ask. When he doesn't have enough queries to ponder, he bothers the heck out of the TheaterJones editor. Also, TJ doesn't stand by or even agree with all of Armin's advice. So don't hold us responsible if things go terribly wrong. Thanks For Reading




Comments:

Rae writes:
Friday, April 15 at 9:24AM

Wow, Armin! I bet you're relieved that GH didn't get the ax yesterday like AMC and OLTL. What will you do when GH is cancelled?

Stan writes:
Friday, April 15 at 11:55PM

'Bout time you finally had another column!


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Soap Gets In Your Eyes
Armin is back, and has the answers about soap operas and what to wear at auditions.
by Armin Zaphiratous

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