Who's Uptight?

Armin is back, and answering questions about warm-ups, undergarments and harnesses.

published Friday, January 21, 2011

Dear Armin,

What is your favorite pre-show acting exercise? — Serious Actor

Dear Serious Actor,

I like to start with a vigorous throat clearing. Then I go out and do breathing exercises with a cigarette which allows me to thoroughly relax into a long coughing fit wherein I will cough until I feel like I don’t need to cough anymore. After that I’ll usually perform a nice cleansing spit. Two or three Red Leather, Yellow Leathers, later I’m ready to rock and roll. — YOURS, ARMIN


Dear Armin,

What are your thoughts on Spanx? A costumer is demanding I wear them under an already torturous outfit.

Dear Spanky,

Well, I have mixed feelings. I think most people who read this column know that I hold costumers and herpes in similar regard. I am, however, a big fan of Spanx. My wife wears her Spanx so tight they occasionally induce her to Stigmata. I really, really, really hate to agree with a costumer, but if you need to wear Spanx, you need to wear Spanx. Everybody is going to think you have a tight tookus. What’s wrong with that? — YOURS, ARMIN


Dear Armin,

The show I'm in requires flying. And the harness they have for me chafes. Suggestions?

Dear Blistered,

Have you tried wearing Spanx? If that doesn’t work you may just have to wait until you build up a crotch callus. Also, if you’re in Spider-man, God help you. At this point that thing is basically a live snuff film. — YOURS, ARMIN


Ask Armin something, via Go on and ask. When he doesn't have enough queries to ponder, he bothers the hell out of the TheaterJones editor. Also, TJ doesn't stand by or even agree with all of Armin's advice. So don't hold us responsible if things go terribly wrong.
 Thanks For Reading

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Who's Uptight?
Armin is back, and answering questions about warm-ups, undergarments and harnesses.
by Armin Zaphiratous

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