Armin's Resolve

Our advice columnist has made his list of resolutions. Bet yours don't match up.

published Friday, December 31, 2010

Dear Armin, Do you have any New Year's resolutions? — Curious

Dear Curious,

I do indeed! In fact, every year I do a Top Ten list of resolutions. Enjoy!

  1. This year I’m going to take a cue from the U.S. military and adopt a DO ASK, DO TELL policy. If I think someone might be gay I’ll just say, "Excuse me. Are you a gay?" And if someone asks me the same questions I’ll answer, "I am attracted to some men and have acted on that impulse many, many times and yes, I realize I’m at this bar wearing these chaps, but no I’m not gay."
  2. This year I will own up to all of my wrongdoings starting now: I once nearly beat someone to death with a fish. Seriously. A fish.
  3. This year I will live life to the fullest. First step, start smoking again. Second step, go ahead and start stalking that waitress.
  4. If I'm playing a role and I find myself not knowing how to play a specific moment or scene, I resolve to just act the [expletive] out of it.
  5. I resolve to face the reality that I'll never be a truly important playwright unless I write at least one play about incest.
  6. This year I'm putting love into everything I do. And not in the same way that got me fired from that bakery.
  7. I will stop calling my wife "Goat." I will now call her Aytsy, which is Armenian for "She Goat."
  8. When an actor is wanting to discuss a note I've given I will stop cutting him/her off by saying, "Just take the note!" and giving them an icy stare before moving on to the next note. This year I'll just say, "Take the note or die," and I'll skip the icy stare.
  9. When I'm around my in-laws I'm going to stop shoehorning hermaphroditic rhetoric into every conversation. It's just more trouble than it's worth.
  10. I'm going take my doctor's advice and try using 2 percent milk in my coffee rather than mayonnaise.

Happy New Year!


Ask Armin something, via Go on and ask. When he doesn't have enough queries to ponder, he bothers the hell out of the TheaterJones editor. Also, TJ doesn't stand by or even agree with all of Armin's advice. So don't hold us responsible if things go terribly wrong.
 Thanks For Reading

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Armin's Resolve
Our advice columnist has made his list of resolutions. Bet yours don't match up.
by Armin Zaphiratous

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