THEATER | DANCE | CLASSICAL MUSIC | OPERA | COMEDY

NORTH TEXAS PERFORMING ARTS NEWS

ASK ARMIN

NO CAPTION

Cat Got Your Tongue?

No, really? Armin on felines, stage jitters and pipedreams.



published Friday, November 5, 2010

Dear Armin,

I’m directing a play that requires a live cat onstage. One that behaves. Those things are much harder to work with than dogs. Suggestions?

Dear Cat-Wrangler,

Oh, lord. Cats. Why did it have to be cats? I've worked with two cats. One, a grey short hair named Merlin was the stinkiest cat―scratch that―the stinkiest ANYTHING on earth. Merlin's gas would have made a dead skunk retch. Merlin was naturally well-behaved but I had a long monologue where I was carrying Merlin around, ostensibly having a “telepathic conversation” with him whilst he was silently farting away and I was silently choking down my sick. So, Merlin was technically a good cat but he had a terrible, monstrous diet.

Then there was Jack the Ripper, a Maine Coon that ripped out the eyeball of the little girl playing my daughter in Meet Me In St. Louis during a student matinee. I can still hear the children screaming when I close my eyes. So, you're in deep doo-doo. You do have two options. One, drug the bejesus out of the cat. Two, get a professionally trained showbiz cat. The drugs are great because they're cheap and the leftovers pair nicely with red wine. The downside is that the cat is a ragdoll and may die. Trained cats can actually perform tasks on command, but you'll have to pay them more than any of the actors. ― YOURS, ARMIN

 

Dear Armin,

I have a crush on a certain theater expert who’s probably 40 years my senior. He does have that sexy beard and the Dos Equis “Most Interesting Man in the World” vibe. Oh, and he’s married. Should I pursue? ― Amy R.

Dear Amy R.,

I don't think you're ready for this jelly. ― YOURS, ARMIN

 

Dear Armin,

What’s the best cure for opening night jitters? I’m fine throughout the run of a show, but inevitably, opening nights make me want to spew. Shouldn’t they be fun?

Dear Jittery,

I'm going to give you the same advice I gave all my students with this same malady: Calm down, you wienie. It's just a play. Just know that right now there's someone in the Congo being skinned alive and you're freaking out over a play. I won Professor of the Year six times. ― YOURS, ARMIN

 

Ask Armin something, via AskArmin@TheaterJones.com. Go on and ask. When he doesn't have enough queries to ponder, he bothers the hell out of the TheaterJones editor. Also, TJ doesn't stand by or even agree with all of Armin's advice. So don't hold us responsible if things go terribly wrong. Thanks For Reading





Comment on this Article

Share this article on Social Media
Click or Swipe to close
Cat Got Your Tongue?
No, really? Armin on felines, stage jitters and pipedreams.
by Armin Zaphiratous

Share this article on Facebook
Tweet this article
Share this article on Google+
Share this article via email
Click or Swipe to close
Amphibian Garland Sistas Patsy Undermain Dallas Opera Theatre Arlington Lungs Irving Arts Center Gallery Multi Camp Boeing Boeing Firehouse Mamma Mia TCU MCL Grand UNT College of Music KD Studios Melinda Massie Amphibian Garland Sistas Patsy Undermain Dallas Opera Theatre Arlington Lungs Irving Arts Center Gallery Multi Camp Boeing Boeing Firehouse Mamma Mia TCU MCL Grand UNT College of Music KD Studios Melinda Massie Amphibian Garland Sistas Patsy Undermain Dallas Opera Theatre Arlington Lungs Irving Arts Center Gallery Multi Camp Boeing Boeing Firehouse Mamma Mia TCU MCL Grand UNT College of Music KD Studios Melinda Massie Amphibian Garland Sistas Patsy Undermain Dallas Opera Theatre Arlington Lungs Irving Arts Center Gallery Multi Camp Boeing Boeing Firehouse Mamma Mia TCU MCL Grand UNT College of Music KD Studios Melinda Massie Amphibian Garland Sistas Patsy Undermain Dallas Opera Theatre Arlington Lungs Irving Arts Center Gallery Multi Camp Boeing Boeing Firehouse Mamma Mia TCU MCL Grand UNT College of Music KD Studios Melinda Massie Amphibian Garland Sistas Patsy Undermain Dallas Opera Theatre Arlington Lungs Irving Arts Center Gallery Multi Camp Boeing Boeing Firehouse Mamma Mia TCU MCL Grand UNT College of Music KD Studios Melinda Massie Amphibian Garland Sistas Patsy Undermain Dallas Opera Theatre Arlington Lungs Irving Arts Center Gallery Multi Camp Boeing Boeing Firehouse Mamma Mia TCU MCL Grand UNT College of Music KD Studios Melinda Massie Amphibian Garland Sistas Patsy Undermain Dallas Opera Theatre Arlington Lungs Irving Arts Center Gallery Multi Camp Boeing Boeing Firehouse Mamma Mia TCU MCL Grand UNT College of Music KD Studios Melinda Massie Amphibian Garland Sistas Patsy Undermain Dallas Opera Theatre Arlington Lungs Irving Arts Center Gallery Multi Camp Boeing Boeing Firehouse Mamma Mia TCU MCL Grand UNT College of Music KD Studios Melinda Massie Amphibian Garland Sistas Patsy Undermain Dallas Opera Theatre Arlington Lungs Irving Arts Center Gallery Multi Camp Boeing Boeing Firehouse Mamma Mia TCU MCL Grand UNT College of Music KD Studios Melinda Massie Amphibian Garland Sistas Patsy Undermain Dallas Opera Theatre Arlington Lungs Irving Arts Center Gallery Multi Camp Boeing Boeing Firehouse Mamma Mia TCU MCL Grand UNT College of Music KD Studios Melinda Massie Amphibian Garland Sistas Patsy Undermain Dallas Opera Theatre Arlington Lungs Irving Arts Center Gallery Multi Camp Boeing Boeing Firehouse Mamma Mia TCU MCL Grand UNT College of Music KD Studios Melinda Massie Amphibian Garland Sistas Patsy Undermain Dallas Opera Theatre Arlington Lungs Irving Arts Center Gallery Multi Camp Boeing Boeing Firehouse Mamma Mia TCU MCL Grand UNT College of Music KD Studios Melinda Massie Amphibian Garland Sistas Patsy Undermain Dallas Opera Theatre Arlington Lungs Irving Arts Center Gallery Multi Camp Boeing Boeing Firehouse Mamma Mia TCU MCL Grand UNT College of Music KD Studios Melinda Massie Amphibian Garland Sistas Patsy Undermain Dallas Opera Theatre Arlington Lungs Irving Arts Center Gallery Multi Camp Boeing Boeing Firehouse Mamma Mia TCU MCL Grand UNT College of Music KD Studios Melinda Massie Amphibian Garland Sistas Patsy Undermain Dallas Opera Theatre Arlington Lungs Irving Arts Center Gallery Multi Camp Boeing Boeing Firehouse Mamma Mia TCU MCL Grand UNT College of Music KD Studios Melinda Massie Amphibian Garland Sistas Patsy Undermain Dallas Opera Theatre Arlington Lungs Irving Arts Center Gallery Multi Camp Boeing Boeing Firehouse Mamma Mia TCU MCL Grand UNT College of Music KD Studios Melinda Massie Amphibian Garland Sistas Patsy Undermain Dallas Opera Theatre Arlington Lungs Irving Arts Center Gallery Multi Camp Boeing Boeing Firehouse Mamma Mia TCU MCL Grand UNT College of Music KD Studios Melinda Massie Amphibian Garland Sistas Patsy Undermain Dallas Opera Theatre Arlington Lungs Irving Arts Center Gallery Multi Camp Boeing Boeing Firehouse Mamma Mia TCU MCL Grand UNT College of Music KD Studios Melinda Massie Amphibian Garland Sistas Patsy Undermain Dallas Opera Theatre Arlington Lungs Irving Arts Center Gallery Multi Camp Boeing Boeing Firehouse Mamma Mia TCU MCL Grand UNT College of Music KD Studios Melinda Massie
Click or Swipe to close
reviews
views on theater, dance, classical music, opera and comedy performances
news & notes
reports from the local performing arts scene
features & interviews
who and what are moving and shaking in the performing arts scene
season announcements
keep up with the arts groups' upcoming seasons
audiocasts
listen to interviews with people in the local performing arts scene
media reviews
reviews and stories on performing arts-related film, TV, recordings and books
arts organizations
learn more about the local producing and presenting arts groups
performance venues
learn more about the theaters and spaces where the arts happen
contests
keep up with fabulous ticket giveaways and other promotions
crowdfunding
connect to local arts crowdfunding campaigns
studio
post or view auditions and performing arts-related classes, services, jobs and more
about us
info on TheaterJones, our staff, what we do and how to contact us
Click or Swipe to close
First Name:
Last Name:
Date of Birth:
ZIP Code:
Your Email Address:
Click or Swipe to close
Join TheaterJones Around the Web



Follow Us on Twitter

Subscribe to our Youtube Channel

Click or Swipe to close
Search the TheaterJones Archives
Use any or all of the options below to search through all of reviews, interviews, features and special sections. If you are looking for a an event, use the calendar section of this website. This search will not search through the calendar.
Article Title Search:


Description Search:
TheaterJones Contributor:


TheaterJones Section:


Category:
Showing on or after:      Showing on or before:  
Search
Click or Swipe to close
We welcome your comments

I am discussing:  



Your Name:
Your Email Adress:


please enter the text below and then click or tap SUBMIT :
Submit